Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts

Monday

Movie Review: Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt Wrestles a Bear. Because Montana.


I lived in Montana for two full years before getting around to seeing either 1) Legends of the Fall or 2) A River Runs Through It, both of which are set in Montana (hence this post) and feature Brad Pitt (weird coincidence, or maybe it's just because all the men here look like him? Which they do, true story).
Every man in Montana. #Truth

A River Runs Through It is... frankly... a little dull. It has a lot of fly fishing. It's fly fishing porn.

Not pictured: like a million bears. They're everywhere. #Alsotruth

Being that I am not really into fly fishing (or fishing in general, because I'M NOT AND I'M NOT SORRY FISH ARE GROSS AND THEN I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I'M KILLING THEM) I can't really get into reviewing this movie.

Moving on.

Hello Legends of the Fall. A lot people of love this film, and though I didn't hate it, I also didn't really like it, so now I'mma tell you why. Because I get to.

K. A brief set up:

There's this family of dudes that live in BFE* Montana. Like you do.

Youngest Brother, who has been off at college at Haaavaaahhd, brings home Lovely Fiancé, who is all Lovely and Britishy and Fancy and Stuff.

Unfortunately, as there are no other women in Montana, Older Brothers (pre-politician brother– whose name I forget so I'll just call him Tivo– and Brad Pitt of the Smoldering Glances) develop immediate crushes on her because frankly, it's her or the bears.

You can tell it's Montana because of the mountains that I drew. 

Bears are not our friends.
I would legitimately like to be left alone at this time. Thx.

It's clear, at this point, where this movie is going. It's going to be some kind of darkly shot brother-fights-brother movie that involves a lot of closeups with everyone looking all intense and breathing heavily, but eventually everyone will reconcile and then someone will get married.

Cool. I can hang. I read the romancey novels. I like the romancey movies. This should be interesting and fun to watch in a Twilight-meets-Big-Sky kind of way.

Only... not.

Legends goes from a romance with aforementioned brothers and Main Love Interest to...

... this whole other series of movie subplots, most of which I watched while muttering "wait, what? Why? What?"

SUCH AS:
1. Everyone plays some badminton. Totally normal.

2. Everyone goes to war. Except Anthony Hopkins. And Love Interest, who decides to live with Anthony Hopkins and wait for betrothed/Youngest Brother to come back (and you know what's going to happen here, because obvious).

3. Betrothed Youngest Brother dies. Horribly. And stupidly. And then Brad Pitt loses his damn mind and goes all Inglorious Basterds on the Germans and...

oh dear
and.... comes back with a pack of scalps (???   ?? ? ??)

4. AND YOUNGEST BROTHER'S HEART (ew, and ???  ???) which is all bloody and gooey, which I guess is probably normal for fresh heart in a satchel. wtf?

5. In the absence of Youngest Brother (although honestly, as long as you've still got the heart satchel, he's never really gone) Tivo (Middle Brother) proposes to Love Interest who's all: umm, no, but ask me again in a few years when I get unceremoniously dumped by Brad Pitt via the US Postal Service. And he's all: cool. So you're saying there's a chance.

 6. Brad Pitt and Love Interest make out a bunch.

7. Brad Pitt goes bonkers and smokes some opium on a boat.

8. Brad Pitt writes a sketchy letter to Love Interest while in an opium haze and she takes it very, very seriously.

9. Anthony Hopkins has a stroke. Such a bummer.

10. Everyone gets married. To none of the original people they were intending to marry.

11. Everyone dies. Except for Brad Pitt.

12. Brad Pitt wrestles a bear. To. the. death.

I WILL CUT YOU oh wait you are like 1000 pounds


The weirdest part of that last scene is the voiceover, kind of like the guy describing the Dude in the Big Lebowski. He describes death by grizzly as a "good death"** against the background noise of a flute/violin combo, and as I was watching, all I could think of is that if I was trying to fight off a giant, grouchy, hungry, mauling grizzly bear and someone was playing a flute nearby, I'd probably request that they please desist because it's very distracting.

I think the director must have realized somewhere along the way that there were too many stories, so he was all: let's kill Brad Pitt with a bear and call it a night.

All in all, it's pretty. So is Montana. Brad Pitt is glorious. Also, he dies. By a grizzly. Death by bear. The end.

Just for giggles, this is the bear: he didn't actually kill Brad Pitt. omg I know, right? it was so real.
Apparently, the bear's name is "Bart."

Dance, Bart, Dance!!!                                                                  NO. I FEEL NO RYTHYM TODAY.
You can learn more about Bart the Bear here.

*BFE: The middle of nowhere. AKA Montana. AKA where I live. Yay!

**comparatively speaking, wtf would a bad death be? I think death by grizzly mauling officially qualifies as a bad death. Flute music does not make it ok.

Thursday

Movie Review: Immortals-- Death and More Death and Naked Greeks With British Accents!

I really wanted to like this film. I really did. I tried so hard, but even with two whole  glasses of wine I couldn't do it. This movie is such an epic fail I had to do a blogpost to try to explain it to myself in retrospect.

A breakdown of the film Immortals: 


First off– the main characters:

1: The Bad Guy. This character is called King Hyperion** and he hates the crap out of everyone (especially the Greek gods, of which there are 5 rather than the more traditional 12. sigh) and is played by Mickey Rourke. Mickey Rourke has exactly one expression for this entire movie: Angry Face, which is made more obvious by his brilliant use of Angry Voice. Sometimes he spits. Mostly he hates things and whacks their heads off with his Angry Sword, which I don't even remember because I couldn't stop laughing at how silly his headgear was.

This is my interpretation of Hyperion. Please note The Most Ridiculous Bad Guy Outfit in the entire history of filmmaking:

Side View:



*The face helmet is especially entertaining, as it is seems just slightly illogical to wear something that impedes your peripheral vision that much when you are at war. Or driving. Or cooking toast. It looks like the underside of a sea urchin. It is not threatening in the least, unless you are trying to make your enemies confused by their emphatic hilarity at your stupid, stupid helmet.

**Oh Hollywood, just... f you. Hyperion is a titan. Anyone who knows anything about Greek myth (which, sadly, it seems you do not) knows that, and also that there was never any "King Hyperion," nor were the titans mortal, nor were the gods, and for the love of all that is holy-- MOUNT TARTARUS???? Curious-- how can Tartarus be in the underworld if IT'S A MOUNTAIN?????
You incomprehensible nitwits. At least try and pretend to have read a book at some point.



2: The Good Guy. I have no idea who this actor is but I want to talk to his eyebrows. They have a lot of range. This is Theseus, as in: Theseus the dude who is famous for killing the Minotaur in the Labyrinth that Daedalus built beneath the palace of Knossos in Crete. That guy. Btw, none of that made it into the movie. Except for the Minotaur. Sort of. More on that in a minute.


Theseus spends most of the movie being conflicted about life and pensive about responsibility. He also wears almost no clothing, which-- though fun to watch-- is stupid. It gets cold in Greece. Also there are at least *5* scenes in which Theseus' junk should've been fully visible, but a strange shadow moved over it at just the right moment. Cheaters.  Or maybe he just had really full coverage man-panties on underneath his skirt.


3: Zeus, who sometimes appears as a random old man who is helpful and friendly to everyone and wears a gray cloak. A lot like... Odin. And carries a... um...  hammer? A lot like Thor. 


I don't even know what to say here, except for that whoever made this movie reaaaaalllly liked to see men in tiny skirts.

4: The Love Interest. There is absolutely nothing to this character, so I've pointed out the one thing this movie made sure to announce like 28 times.


I get tired thinking about this kind of character/Hollywood BS, so I'm moving on. 


5. The Titans. The titans are some other characters in this movie who hate everything and just want to kill stuff, but apparently they're really screwed because they're just super easy to kill themselves. I know because in the climax scene when the 5 (sigh) gods are fighting the 703 (???) identical sibling titans, all it takes is a minor shove and the titan's head EXPLODES IN GOO. There is so much blood in this movie, even I was impressed.
p.s- I know 'twins' is not a correct word to use when describing the phenomenon of 703 identical siblings. Alas. I have learned to live with my grammatical inability.



6. The Minotaur. This is the part that clinched the contempt for me. The first half of the movie I kept thinking: Theseus? Isn't this Perseus? This looks like Perseus to me, I wonder when he's going to run off to rescue Andromeda.
But then the fucking Minotaur showed up. Only it wasn't the Minotaur, it was a dude in a metal bull mask who grunted a lot, and they weren't in a labyrinth, they were in a burial chamber that was covered.... in rose petals. Because they have a lot of roses around.


Weak, Hollywood.




I honestly have no idea what bull-dude was wearing, so I drew him a skirt. A fuchsia skirt. With yellow daisies. You're welcome.