Monday

Movie Review: Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt Wrestles a Bear. Because Montana.


I lived in Montana for two full years before getting around to seeing either 1) Legends of the Fall or 2) A River Runs Through It, both of which are set in Montana (hence this post) and feature Brad Pitt (weird coincidence, or maybe it's just because all the men here look like him? Which they do, true story).
Every man in Montana. #Truth

A River Runs Through It is... frankly... a little dull. It has a lot of fly fishing. It's fly fishing porn.

Not pictured: like a million bears. They're everywhere. #Alsotruth

Being that I am not really into fly fishing (or fishing in general, because I'M NOT AND I'M NOT SORRY FISH ARE GROSS AND THEN I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I'M KILLING THEM) I can't really get into reviewing this movie.

Moving on.

Hello Legends of the Fall. A lot people of love this film, and though I didn't hate it, I also didn't really like it, so now I'mma tell you why. Because I get to.

K. A brief set up:

There's this family of dudes that live in BFE* Montana. Like you do.

Youngest Brother, who has been off at college at Haaavaaahhd, brings home Lovely Fiancé, who is all Lovely and Britishy and Fancy and Stuff.

Unfortunately, as there are no other women in Montana, Older Brothers (pre-politician brother– whose name I forget so I'll just call him Tivo– and Brad Pitt of the Smoldering Glances) develop immediate crushes on her because frankly, it's her or the bears.

You can tell it's Montana because of the mountains that I drew. 

Bears are not our friends.
I would legitimately like to be left alone at this time. Thx.

It's clear, at this point, where this movie is going. It's going to be some kind of darkly shot brother-fights-brother movie that involves a lot of closeups with everyone looking all intense and breathing heavily, but eventually everyone will reconcile and then someone will get married.

Cool. I can hang. I read the romancey novels. I like the romancey movies. This should be interesting and fun to watch in a Twilight-meets-Big-Sky kind of way.

Only... not.

Legends goes from a romance with aforementioned brothers and Main Love Interest to...

... this whole other series of movie subplots, most of which I watched while muttering "wait, what? Why? What?"

SUCH AS:
1. Everyone plays some badminton. Totally normal.

2. Everyone goes to war. Except Anthony Hopkins. And Love Interest, who decides to live with Anthony Hopkins and wait for betrothed/Youngest Brother to come back (and you know what's going to happen here, because obvious).

3. Betrothed Youngest Brother dies. Horribly. And stupidly. And then Brad Pitt loses his damn mind and goes all Inglorious Basterds on the Germans and...

oh dear
and.... comes back with a pack of scalps (???   ?? ? ??)

4. AND YOUNGEST BROTHER'S HEART (ew, and ???  ???) which is all bloody and gooey, which I guess is probably normal for fresh heart in a satchel. wtf?

5. In the absence of Youngest Brother (although honestly, as long as you've still got the heart satchel, he's never really gone) Tivo (Middle Brother) proposes to Love Interest who's all: umm, no, but ask me again in a few years when I get unceremoniously dumped by Brad Pitt via the US Postal Service. And he's all: cool. So you're saying there's a chance.

 6. Brad Pitt and Love Interest make out a bunch.

7. Brad Pitt goes bonkers and smokes some opium on a boat.

8. Brad Pitt writes a sketchy letter to Love Interest while in an opium haze and she takes it very, very seriously.

9. Anthony Hopkins has a stroke. Such a bummer.

10. Everyone gets married. To none of the original people they were intending to marry.

11. Everyone dies. Except for Brad Pitt.

12. Brad Pitt wrestles a bear. To. the. death.

I WILL CUT YOU oh wait you are like 1000 pounds


The weirdest part of that last scene is the voiceover, kind of like the guy describing the Dude in the Big Lebowski. He describes death by grizzly as a "good death"** against the background noise of a flute/violin combo, and as I was watching, all I could think of is that if I was trying to fight off a giant, grouchy, hungry, mauling grizzly bear and someone was playing a flute nearby, I'd probably request that they please desist because it's very distracting.

I think the director must have realized somewhere along the way that there were too many stories, so he was all: let's kill Brad Pitt with a bear and call it a night.

All in all, it's pretty. So is Montana. Brad Pitt is glorious. Also, he dies. By a grizzly. Death by bear. The end.

Just for giggles, this is the bear: he didn't actually kill Brad Pitt. omg I know, right? it was so real.
Apparently, the bear's name is "Bart."

Dance, Bart, Dance!!!                                                                  NO. I FEEL NO RYTHYM TODAY.
You can learn more about Bart the Bear here.

*BFE: The middle of nowhere. AKA Montana. AKA where I live. Yay!

**comparatively speaking, wtf would a bad death be? I think death by grizzly mauling officially qualifies as a bad death. Flute music does not make it ok.

1 comment:

  1. I remember summing this movie up very similar. Brothers love English lady, War ruins everything and Brad Pitt gets eaten by a bear. Not sure why everyone loves it. Mountains are pretty. isn't that what they call cinematography? AKA plot sucks but it's pretty to look at.

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