We Did Not Die! Yaaaay!!

Excerpts from my conversation with Captain Awesomepants during a rather eventful* cab ride through Athens:

(this first part is written. We were passing notes via the iPhone notes app so that our driver couldn't hear us)

me: What's with the teeth sucking??

Cpt Pants: That's what meth addicts do.

me: oHHhhhh

5 minutes later:

Cpt Pants: You know I love you, right?

me: You think we're going to die, don't you? Are you telling me this because you think we're going to die?

Cpt Pants: YES. Yeah. Pretty much.

The good news is that We Did Not Die in a fiery ball of Greek taxi cab somewhere along the Athens highway, which is nice. Instead, we got a 45 minute ride through the depths of Athens from a 6.5 foot tall, tooth-sucking, twitchy, chain-smoking, meth-head whose car shook, rattled, vibrated and carried on very much like a car that is about to explode the entire way (especially when going over, say, 35 mph. As most of the drive was conducted in either LIGHT SPEED MODE or stopped, it was like getting a massage from an evil robot).

It was fun if you like near-death experiences, but mostly it was petrifying. He kept trying to talk to us but his English wasn't very good and our Greek is non-existent so the conversations were extremely short (You like Greece? Yes, we like Greece! ......) Also, he kept texting and answering his phone which has a dampening effect on banter. And I'm not sure how it is in his world, but in mine the person on the other side of the cell phone can't actually see you when you talk to them. Because you are talking to them on the cell phone. I think in his world he might have had some idea that whoever he was talking to could see him, which would explain the constant and manic gesticulating at the phone.

As I said, fun if you like near-death experiences. He tried to convince us to call him so he could give us a ride to the airport the next day and we were all: no it's cool! We'll walk. 40 miles is nothing!

Anyway, safe and sound in the Athens hotel, then an easy and air conditioned cab ride to the airport yesterday by a very nice man who told us the history of Crete. Now we're in Crete. And I have internet. Happy day.

*by which I mean: fucking terrifying. 


The Great France Adventure: Day ?

The problem with drinking wine with lunch is that is highly de-motivating.


Life is hard. 


Chamonix has fondue

Cheese fondue is awesome, until it is Not Awesome At All.

Currently in the Not Awesome phase. Barfing might occur.


The Great France Adventure: Day 3

I have a cold. I am a hateful bag of misery and doom.

UPDATED: Everything is better. Captain Awesomepants braved his fear of all things French and ventured forth to bring me drugs! sigh. I took a ubiquitous looking white pill and feel about 9million times better.

Time to eat. Also, wine.


The Great France Adventure: Day 2


1. 3 am in Paris looks a lot like 3 am in Montana. Dark. And kind of boring.

2. I NOW HAVE COFFEE & therefore rule the world.

It is magic coffee and comes out of a shiny machine that makes a lot noise and renders all human interaction entirely unnecessary. OMG I want one. I will never have to speak human again.

I actually giggled in open mouthed wonder when it made my magic coffee. The other patrons are French and were thus unimpressed with my enthusiasm. Whatever, I bet they all have one at home and are used to the awesomeness it provides.

3. I look very much like I hugged and/or wrastled a German Shepherd. Incidentally, I did, though I also washed this sweater. The hair that is covering it seems impervious.

4. France is apparently entirely trustworthy, or at least my fellow hotel patrons are. We slept the night through with the key sticking in the lock in the door.
Let's take a moment to review that last bit and marvel at my profound.... Awesomeness/incompetence? Jetlag? Ability to repel crime? ALL OF THE ABOVE?


Onwards. Allons-y.

I'm blogging from Paris and yes, I do realize this means I have an "internet problem."

So I got all Luddite-y and decided to unplug for the duration of my vacation en France, which lasted... exactly.... one hour.

The Great France Adventure; Part 1, Day 1:

So far my keen observational insight has led me to note the following:
1. Everyone smokes here.
2. I am the most insecure American on the planet.
3. Captain Awesomepants is the 2nd most insecure American on the planet.

I know these things because:
1. Everyone is smoking.
2. I am terrified that someone (or everyone) will notice my flip-flops and jeans and badly shaped hair (it's the humidity and lack of sleep dammit) and laugh and whisper to each other in immaculate French "stupid American tourist" before jauntily readjusting their scarves and hopping on their mopeds, while blaming me for the Bush administration and Monsanto and ruining the planet with globalization and all bad food ever created ever. Oh and for freedom fries. My insecurity runs deep. 

I'm probably not correct, but OH MY GOD I MIGHT BE. Jsyk, this thought could ruin your day.

3. Captain Awesomepants has become mute, staunchly refusing to interact with anyone who is French. We are in France. This might be a problem.

Oh. And I believe I am about to spend something like 16 euro on coffee, which is, I think, approximately 900 USD.

It is very good coffee.