Thursday

Movie Review: Immortals-- Death and More Death and Naked Greeks With British Accents!

I really wanted to like this film. I really did. I tried so hard, but even with two whole  glasses of wine I couldn't do it. This movie is such an epic fail I had to do a blogpost to try to explain it to myself in retrospect.

A breakdown of the film Immortals: 


First off– the main characters:

1: The Bad Guy. This character is called King Hyperion** and he hates the crap out of everyone (especially the Greek gods, of which there are 5 rather than the more traditional 12. sigh) and is played by Mickey Rourke. Mickey Rourke has exactly one expression for this entire movie: Angry Face, which is made more obvious by his brilliant use of Angry Voice. Sometimes he spits. Mostly he hates things and whacks their heads off with his Angry Sword, which I don't even remember because I couldn't stop laughing at how silly his headgear was.

This is my interpretation of Hyperion. Please note The Most Ridiculous Bad Guy Outfit in the entire history of filmmaking:

Side View:



*The face helmet is especially entertaining, as it is seems just slightly illogical to wear something that impedes your peripheral vision that much when you are at war. Or driving. Or cooking toast. It looks like the underside of a sea urchin. It is not threatening in the least, unless you are trying to make your enemies confused by their emphatic hilarity at your stupid, stupid helmet.

**Oh Hollywood, just... f you. Hyperion is a titan. Anyone who knows anything about Greek myth (which, sadly, it seems you do not) knows that, and also that there was never any "King Hyperion," nor were the titans mortal, nor were the gods, and for the love of all that is holy-- MOUNT TARTARUS???? Curious-- how can Tartarus be in the underworld if IT'S A MOUNTAIN?????
You incomprehensible nitwits. At least try and pretend to have read a book at some point.



2: The Good Guy. I have no idea who this actor is but I want to talk to his eyebrows. They have a lot of range. This is Theseus, as in: Theseus the dude who is famous for killing the Minotaur in the Labyrinth that Daedalus built beneath the palace of Knossos in Crete. That guy. Btw, none of that made it into the movie. Except for the Minotaur. Sort of. More on that in a minute.


Theseus spends most of the movie being conflicted about life and pensive about responsibility. He also wears almost no clothing, which-- though fun to watch-- is stupid. It gets cold in Greece. Also there are at least *5* scenes in which Theseus' junk should've been fully visible, but a strange shadow moved over it at just the right moment. Cheaters.  Or maybe he just had really full coverage man-panties on underneath his skirt.


3: Zeus, who sometimes appears as a random old man who is helpful and friendly to everyone and wears a gray cloak. A lot like... Odin. And carries a... um...  hammer? A lot like Thor. 


I don't even know what to say here, except for that whoever made this movie reaaaaalllly liked to see men in tiny skirts.

4: The Love Interest. There is absolutely nothing to this character, so I've pointed out the one thing this movie made sure to announce like 28 times.


I get tired thinking about this kind of character/Hollywood BS, so I'm moving on. 


5. The Titans. The titans are some other characters in this movie who hate everything and just want to kill stuff, but apparently they're really screwed because they're just super easy to kill themselves. I know because in the climax scene when the 5 (sigh) gods are fighting the 703 (???) identical sibling titans, all it takes is a minor shove and the titan's head EXPLODES IN GOO. There is so much blood in this movie, even I was impressed.
p.s- I know 'twins' is not a correct word to use when describing the phenomenon of 703 identical siblings. Alas. I have learned to live with my grammatical inability.



6. The Minotaur. This is the part that clinched the contempt for me. The first half of the movie I kept thinking: Theseus? Isn't this Perseus? This looks like Perseus to me, I wonder when he's going to run off to rescue Andromeda.
But then the fucking Minotaur showed up. Only it wasn't the Minotaur, it was a dude in a metal bull mask who grunted a lot, and they weren't in a labyrinth, they were in a burial chamber that was covered.... in rose petals. Because they have a lot of roses around.


Weak, Hollywood.




I honestly have no idea what bull-dude was wearing, so I drew him a skirt. A fuchsia skirt. With yellow daisies. You're welcome. 








2 comments:

  1. I shared this with friends and they all want more movie reviews from you! A new career?

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    1. Any requests?? I love this idea!

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