My Dog is a Tiny Fur Terrorist and I Will Never Sleep Again

Dog is on steroids again. My love/hate relationship with steroids at this point rivals only Golem's love/hate relationship with the ring. Ring/steroids= life. Ring/steroids= unrivaled glorious MISERY and NO SLEEP and EATING RAW FISH HEADS WHILE BEING ALONE FOR 500 YEARS AND TALKING TO YOURSELF BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE YOUR ONLY FRIEND.

I should probably begin this post with the disclaimer that I'm just stupid tired and am therefore not entirely sure of what is funny anymore, also-- I like my caps lock. And volume control is hard right now. sorry.

A brief rundown of the past 2 months:
2 months ago: Dog is off steroids. Rejoice!!! Dog is healthy! Dog sleeps through night!!  Dog has normal kidney count (I still don't know what this means, but the vet was smiling when she told us so I assume it is good news).

6 weeks ago: Dog goes into heat. First heat, they tell us, takes approximately 3 weeks. We begin to resemble helicopter parents (WHAT IS DOG DOING? WHERE IS DOG??? SHE HAS BEEN OUT FOR 5 MINUTES UNSUPERVISED, OMFG IS SHE HAVING SEX???)

5 weeks ago: We move. Dog is still in heat. This is fun.

4.9 weeks ago: Move stress + heat cycle = dog has a relapse and goes back on 'roids. This means that: she wakes up at least twice a night to go out and drink a metric ton of water. This means that: we do not sleep so much. Because sleeping is for weenies. 

3.5 weeks ago: dog is supposedly out of heat. Dog gets fixed. Yaaay!! All our problems are over!!

3 weeks ago: Or not. Dog has another relapse. Back on 'roids.

2 weeks ago: Optimistic vet says to go off 'roids.

1.5 weeks ago: This does not go well. Dog ends up in hospital. Is back on 'roids.

Up until present: Dog is still on 'roids. For whatever reason, dog is now getting up 6 times a night to decorate the lawn and drink more water than we thought was possible to drink without barfing or being a camel. Or a whale. Do whales drink a lot of water? I assume they must. Swimming is tiring.

This means that: I am so, so, so sooooo very tired, and so so soso soooo very cranky and I'm pretty sure at this point both Cpt Awesomepants and I look a little like Golem. Cpt Awesomeapnts is in a corner twitching and talking to himself. Every time I fall asleep I hear the bark, which means: I need to go out and I will totally pee on the floor if you do not let me do so. Also, I will never stop barking. Ever. I will bark forever.

For one so cute and little and fuzzy, she would do very well working at Guantanamo.

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