Waking Up To No Pastries is NOT AWESOME

Sometimes I grind my teeth at night.

By sometimes, I mean constantly. 

By grind, I mean my lower jaw tries to attack and destroy my upper jaw with fury and anger and a deadly vendetta to break each upper tooth into a million tiny pieces through sheer force of will and jihad-like determination. And vice versa. 

My jaw apparently hates itself. 

My teeth don't actually look like this. This is an abstract portrait. 
But it's cool, because apparently this happens to a lot of people, which is why they invented splints (or night guards, or whatever you want to call them). A splint is essentially a hard plastic guard that fits over your upper or lower toofs and prevents said toofs from massacring each other, like they seem to want to do. If you've ever played a sport where your mouth was in constant jeopardy of being thwacked upon by another object (such as a hockey stick, puck, ice skate, soccer ball, football, baseball, ball of any kind, human head or other random body part that tends to hurt, on impact, far more than it should), then you know what a splint is. 

I've had like 7. Or 8. I lost count. I chew threw them. My dentist thinks I am a circus freak with my INSANO DESTROYER MANDIBLES. 

Anyway... as long as I have a splint in while I sleep, my jaw cannot hurt itself. Or each other. That is a headachey sentence. 

The downside of the splint is that sometimes... I dream about food. I am chewing, after all, on something that isn't tooth. The imagination runs wild. 

Which is usually kind of fun because I love food. And I love pastries. I love pastries. And I can chew away on the magical dream pastries as I sleep because it's not hurting anything (except for the dream pastries, as I am eating the hell out of them).

What is NOT awesome is when I wake up and there are NO PASTRIES. There is only a piece of plastic and NO PASTRIES.

No pastries = NOT Awesome.


  1. Best is when you wake up sans night guard and for a split second you think that you probably ate it in your sleep. Yeah that's fun.

  2. Anytime no pastry = not awesome. Sleep, or not.

    At least you didn't swallow the bits of plastic? I suppose? Can you keep a pastry on the night stand, for just these occasions?