Dissertation Defense is NIGH

I did these when I was about to defend my dissertation. It sums up quite nicely how I felt at the time. 

Aaaand squish.
The end.

Dear Cat,
I'm pretty sure that you can read because sometimes when I get home, all my books have been moved.

I'm even fairly certain you know my computer passcode, so I'll just leave my laptop open tomorrow and hope that you get this.

Just one request. It's quick. Please don't kill me.

This is a rough sketch of a bed (and no I don't know why it's gray right now, blogger is messing with me and I don't want to draw it again):

I am so freaking talented, omg.

I am using it to represent my bed, in fact. I know you know about my bed because you find me in it every night. 

oh hai! 

The problem is that you seem to think that nighttime is a good time to effectively marathon-style run your ass all over the bed, and me, and Cptn Awesomepants, and me again, and him again, and me one more time before taking a breather, because boy that shit is probably tiring. 

Bounce, bounce, bounce. Pause, lick something, lick something really relentlessly hard in a creepy way, bounce, knead, breathe on something, pause, place COLD WET nose on something that was previously asleep, bounce, run away from the devil that has clearly just found you.

Because 3am. It's when the magic happens. 

I'm just putting in a request for you to, you know, slow it down a bit. Maybe even take a few nights or months off. 

I left instructions by the television in case you get bored. Also, I preloaded Kiki's Delivery Service because you liked that one. 

Your Owner (I'm the blonde one, that puts your poo in plastic bags. It's because I love you.) 


Movie Review: Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt Wrestles a Bear. Because Montana.

I lived in Montana for two full years before getting around to seeing either 1) Legends of the Fall or 2) A River Runs Through It, both of which are set in Montana (hence this post) and feature Brad Pitt (weird coincidence, or maybe it's just because all the men here look like him? Which they do, true story).
Every man in Montana. #Truth

A River Runs Through It is... frankly... a little dull. It has a lot of fly fishing. It's fly fishing porn.

Not pictured: like a million bears. They're everywhere. #Alsotruth

Being that I am not really into fly fishing (or fishing in general, because I'M NOT AND I'M NOT SORRY FISH ARE GROSS AND THEN I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I'M KILLING THEM) I can't really get into reviewing this movie.

Moving on.

Hello Legends of the Fall. A lot people of love this film, and though I didn't hate it, I also didn't really like it, so now I'mma tell you why. Because I get to.

K. A brief set up:

There's this family of dudes that live in BFE* Montana. Like you do.

Youngest Brother, who has been off at college at Haaavaaahhd, brings home Lovely Fiancé, who is all Lovely and Britishy and Fancy and Stuff.

Unfortunately, as there are no other women in Montana, Older Brothers (pre-politician brother– whose name I forget so I'll just call him Tivo– and Brad Pitt of the Smoldering Glances) develop immediate crushes on her because frankly, it's her or the bears.

You can tell it's Montana because of the mountains that I drew. 

Bears are not our friends.
I would legitimately like to be left alone at this time. Thx.

It's clear, at this point, where this movie is going. It's going to be some kind of darkly shot brother-fights-brother movie that involves a lot of closeups with everyone looking all intense and breathing heavily, but eventually everyone will reconcile and then someone will get married.

Cool. I can hang. I read the romancey novels. I like the romancey movies. This should be interesting and fun to watch in a Twilight-meets-Big-Sky kind of way.

Only... not.

Legends goes from a romance with aforementioned brothers and Main Love Interest to...

... this whole other series of movie subplots, most of which I watched while muttering "wait, what? Why? What?"

1. Everyone plays some badminton. Totally normal.

2. Everyone goes to war. Except Anthony Hopkins. And Love Interest, who decides to live with Anthony Hopkins and wait for betrothed/Youngest Brother to come back (and you know what's going to happen here, because obvious).

3. Betrothed Youngest Brother dies. Horribly. And stupidly. And then Brad Pitt loses his damn mind and goes all Inglorious Basterds on the Germans and...

oh dear
and.... comes back with a pack of scalps (???   ?? ? ??)

4. AND YOUNGEST BROTHER'S HEART (ew, and ???  ???) which is all bloody and gooey, which I guess is probably normal for fresh heart in a satchel. wtf?

5. In the absence of Youngest Brother (although honestly, as long as you've still got the heart satchel, he's never really gone) Tivo (Middle Brother) proposes to Love Interest who's all: umm, no, but ask me again in a few years when I get unceremoniously dumped by Brad Pitt via the US Postal Service. And he's all: cool. So you're saying there's a chance.

 6. Brad Pitt and Love Interest make out a bunch.

7. Brad Pitt goes bonkers and smokes some opium on a boat.

8. Brad Pitt writes a sketchy letter to Love Interest while in an opium haze and she takes it very, very seriously.

9. Anthony Hopkins has a stroke. Such a bummer.

10. Everyone gets married. To none of the original people they were intending to marry.

11. Everyone dies. Except for Brad Pitt.

12. Brad Pitt wrestles a bear. To. the. death.

I WILL CUT YOU oh wait you are like 1000 pounds

The weirdest part of that last scene is the voiceover, kind of like the guy describing the Dude in the Big Lebowski. He describes death by grizzly as a "good death"** against the background noise of a flute/violin combo, and as I was watching, all I could think of is that if I was trying to fight off a giant, grouchy, hungry, mauling grizzly bear and someone was playing a flute nearby, I'd probably request that they please desist because it's very distracting.

I think the director must have realized somewhere along the way that there were too many stories, so he was all: let's kill Brad Pitt with a bear and call it a night.

All in all, it's pretty. So is Montana. Brad Pitt is glorious. Also, he dies. By a grizzly. Death by bear. The end.

Just for giggles, this is the bear: he didn't actually kill Brad Pitt. omg I know, right? it was so real.
Apparently, the bear's name is "Bart."

Dance, Bart, Dance!!!                                                                  NO. I FEEL NO RYTHYM TODAY.
You can learn more about Bart the Bear here.

*BFE: The middle of nowhere. AKA Montana. AKA where I live. Yay!

**comparatively speaking, wtf would a bad death be? I think death by grizzly mauling officially qualifies as a bad death. Flute music does not make it ok.

Monday morning

Monday morning: 

Yes, that is a wooly mammoth. I thought they were extinct, too. 

I Just Godfathered My Husband, aka Adventures of Pookins the Boar Head

I'm in a vacuum.

I turned in my dissertation proposal last week and now I'm in that odd twilight-y I've-accomplished-something-major-but-still-have-a-lot-to-do-but-don't-wanna-do-any-of-it zone wherein I usually obsessively clean random things like the wall next to the couch with a kitchen sponge but fail to clean any other walls. And then I redecorate for 2-5 days depending on how soon Cpt Awesomepants tells me to quit it because he can't find anything, like seriously, where are the car keys??? And what the hell happened to the couch??!? And I eat ice cream sandwiches for lunch. And dinner.

It's a good, if frenetic, and weird, and unsettling time. And also ice cream is not the best idea for two meals a day. And just because it says 'sandwich' on the packages does not actually mean it's healthy.

K. Long lead-in, but this is not new for me.

Remember that scene in the Godfather with the horse head? It'll make sense in a minute.

I'm redecorating, day 2. I've been pulling pictures off the wall and dusting them and moving them around to new places, which explains why the number of holes in the plaster has recently skyrocketed. This is partly because I eyeball everything and do not believe in measuring first, or ever. It takes too much time. Hammering a nail in 6 different places makes far more sense to me.

I've also pulled down one of the weirder things we own which is the Balinese boar head mask, who I have very recently knighted Pookins. Pookins the Boar Head.

No I have no idea what purpose he served in Bali, I only know that Pookins has real, genuine, boar hair on his head, which has been styled as per my liking in a pseudo- Elvis bouffant. I love Elvis. I also love Pookins the boar head mask. Cpt Awesomepants thinks it's weird and terrifying and I understand, but also don't care.

Seriously, I love this thing. His mouth opens. Here he is eating an apple which I may or may not have placed in his jaw.

This is one of his glam shots done with available lighting and a flower that I had on hand. He's really into fashion.

Moving on.

You probably know where I'm going with this now.

Cpt Awesomepants has had a crap weekend and barely slept last night due to a paper he had to write, so he's NOT on his game right now. I recognize that I should not take advantage of my husband in this state but it's. just. too. tempting.

Me: all calm and nonchalant-like: "can you help me make the bed?"
Him: normal, unsuspecting: "sure."

Standard unmade bed:




Cpt Awesomepants uttered a scream that, to his credit, was very manly. And also very loud. And the dance that accompanied it was most impressive, and would surely have scared off Pookins had Pookins been a real boar. Surely.

And this is how you Godfather someone.

cheers :)